By Chris Bunton

It’s weird when I go to Subway. No matter what town it’s in, it’s always the same. I walk to the counter, and I look up at the menu, which has all kinds of yummy pictures of food, and delightful names for sandwiches. It makes my mouth water.            

So, I’ll order my sandwich, and it really doesn’t matter which sub I order, because the person making the sandwich will always ask the same question…            

“What would you like on it?”            

At which point, I would love to say “Well, I’d like to have what I ordered. You know the sub that’s up there on the board. It looks good and yummy. By asking me what I want on it, you are guaranteeing that I won’t get that sammich which is up there.”            

But, that’s not what I do. The fact is that I have never gotten a Subway sandwich from the menu. They don’t even tell you what is on that sammich on the menu. So there is no way you can order that sandwich even if you really wanted to. It’s like the mystery of the universe. What is really on that sub at Subway?           

I used to order the meatball sub, which is yummy, and mostly meatballs. It’s just meatballs and bread. So, there’s no real mystery there. But, they always get me to add stuff. So, even with the meatball sub, I’m not getting a real Subway sammich.           

I don’t eat as much meat as I used to, so when there is a vegetarian option I will try to choose that option.  Well, Subway has a sandwich called “The Veggie Delight” And this is what I eat now.  But, even though I order a Veggie Delight, I never actually receive a Veggie Delight. I receive some sammich masquerading as a Veggie Delight.            

The first question they ask, after I tell them I want flat bread and I want it toasted, is “What kind of cheese do I want?” Then, when I say I don’t want any cheese, they look at me like I just sprouted a third head. I will eat cheese, but I try to avoid it when able. If you want to lose weight and be healthy cut back on your meat and dairy. You realize that milk is for making little baby cows into big cows, right? It’s not for humans. No species on Earth needs the milk of another species in order to survive. That is propaganda. Get your calcium from veggies.            

Now, understand that I still eat cheese sometimes. So, if you see me eating nachos don’t come up and call me a hypocrite. I know I’m a hypocrite, and a terrible one, but I eat cheese because it’s yummy. Not because I’m dumb enough to think it’s healthy. See what I mean?            

My local Subway irritates me and I rarely go there anymore. I often wait till late in the evening, and I’m hangry, and rushing to find food. So, I decide to go to Subway. And always, every time, they are out of things I want. Which I know is a lie. No manager could be that bad. A chimpanzee can figure out how to order things, so you do not run out of it. It’s not hard. It’s something that should be taught at the Subway School of Sammich Makers, or whatever it might be called.            

So, I know it’s a lie. They just want to hurry up and clean up, at closing time, so they can go get drunk. I understand this, because I used to be the same way. You can’t fool me. I’ve done it. I’ve been there. I could accept it, if it was like 15 minutes before closing time. But, it’s like 2 hours till closing. I know you wanna go get drunk, but just start drinking on the job. That would keep things from cutting in to your drinking time, and I could at least get my sammich. Besides it’s not like you have to remember how to make the sandwiches. You just make whatever the person says. Just take a few shots of Vodka, and try not to slur your speech when asking if they want cheese.            

Another weird thing about Subway is that the sandwich on the menu will cost like $5. But, somehow when I get to the register after walking through the assembly line of choices, I discover that the sammich costs $10. I have no idea what the Subway method of charging me is. I did not get the sandwich on the menu. That might be what I asked for, but I did not get it. I did not get the Veggie Delight in the picture, so I don’t understand how I’m charged for the Veggie Delight. It’s some kind of weird Subway math. Like maybe Common Core.            

On top of that, the person who made the sandwich is never the person who asks me for the money. That person just appears out of nowhere from behind a curtain, like the Wizard of Oz, and punches some buttons and says “You owe $10” The two sammich masters never communicated with each other, that I saw. They just…know. I don’t know how they know, but they know what I owe. It’s like a special kind of magic. Sammich Magic.            

And they got these tiny bags of chips. What is this? I ordered a foot long sub, and I get a tiny bag of chips. Are you trying to get me to buy 5 bags of chips? Because, I need 5 bags to go with my foot long sub. I finished my chips after eating 3 bites of my foot long. Now, I’m stuck eating my whole sub with no chips.            

Subway claims to be the healthiest food chain. They even had a pedophile, who got skinny eating subs to prove it. He was probably working out near the local playground also. Yet, when I finally get to the cash register to ring out my order, there THEY are; right in my face, the yummiest, biggest cookies on Earth. 

            It’s possible that Jarrod the Subway Creeper never ate the cookies. He might have used them as bait for toddlers though.  Anyway, I always stand there for a second waiting on my Veggie Delight, while holding my tiny bag of chips, thinking about that cookie. That yummy cookie. And I have an inner battle.           

“Eat the cookie” Something says.            

“No! I won’t eat the cookie.” I think.           

“Just this one time.” The voice says.           

“Ok, heck with it, give me the dang cookie too” I say.            

And the Wizard behind the register smiles, almost like she knew I would cave in.           

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